Almost Time Now

I haven't posted in a while. I have been freaking myself out now that my swim is really here. I leave Friday for a week vacation on the East Coast with my family, and then on July 10Th I am off to SPAIN!!!
I haven't been swimming hard, but I have done a difficult three hour swim in cold water. I am hoping that the warmer water of Gibraltar will allow me more staying power. I got cortisone in both shoulders and must resist swimming for four days to let it work it's magic. I didn't get to do any swims longer than four hours which worries me, but hey it's point to point. The adrenaline, and seeing where you want to get to work wonders. I hope it's enough. I think I am stubborn enough to get across. I am not a quitter.
I have been running around with lots of last minute travel frenzy. Like having to get 1500 euros (I hate to travel with a lot of cash, but I have to pay for the swim). And I talked myself into a little point and shoot camera because I don't want to carry around my lovely Nikon. Then there are the plug adaptors, the fuel for the swim, the Gatorade (one swimmer told me she even brought water from home). Then there was the panic over the "shark shield". I didn't even know that such a thing existed, and now I am hearing that someone who swam Gibraltar this summer was "glad to have one" with her on her double crossing because she saw a great white (as did the people on the boat). Breathe in breathe out...I will be fine. "Everyone has a fish story" as they say. I would rather mine be about dolphins...
Well, I may not be as ready as I had envisioned, but my time is now and my adventure starts Friday.
Think good thoughts of me during the week of July 12-18Th. Hope for good weather early in the week, with favorable tides and light winds (is that asking for too much?).
I'll keep you posted.

Catch Up

I want to catch up my family on what's been happening in my journey to cross the Gibraltar Straits. They have been tremendously supportive and encouraging (both emotionallt and financially). I began this odyssey in January and have been on a rollercoaster ride from the start. Mentally and emotionally this marathon training thing is wicked. As is my nature, I started out over zealous and worked too hard. Not having a coach other than helpful friends and chat room aquaintances I concocted a training schedule out of thin air. It looked good on paper. Luckily one friend strongly stipulated that it was a "plan" and not a directive. That I should do my best to follow it, but to listen to my body and deviate if needed. I didn't hear that part very clearly. I got worn out and sick a few times over the months, and took time off to recover which was hard, but unavoidable. By the middle of April I was cooking with gas. I was swimming the length of Gibraltar during the week in the pool and more than that on the weekends in the Bay. I was swimming between 14 - 20 miles a week. On April 21st I took the day off of work and tested my self against rough water, cold, and time. I swam over 12 and a half miles in 55 degree water for almost four hours. The waves were big (listed at 7-9 foot swells) and the wids were strong (gusting up to 17 miles an hour) and I came through like a champion. After this swim, I felt ready to change my event to the English Channel. Just work a little harder and see where it led me. I even emailed a boat pilot with the English Channel Swimming Association to inquire about the possibility of jumping in where some one else cancelled (he didn't recommend it - but I thougt about it). This is how good I was feeling. Charged up and ready to conquer the world. So after my long swim, I kept right on swimming. I was in the pool the very next day doing my 4,ooo yards and damn proud of it. I was also reading the Odessey at the time and I think the fates decided that I needed a personal lesson in hubris. I believe that the rough nature of my long swim in the bay caused a tear in my right shoulder muscle. But in my over enthusiasum I did not heed the niggling pain and just kept swimming. I swam 23K the very next week, including one 4+ hour swim. After a few more weeks, the pain would not be ignored. I went to the doctor and the films showed him the tear. This was a real low point. Just a few short weeks ago I thought I could fly over the strait, and now I would be lucky to make it with fins (not an option - against the rules). So I got a cortisone injection (I know, bad idea) I took a week off, meaning swimming with fins and mostly kicking and riding my bike. Well it has been two weeks since the injection. I have been going to physical therapy and swimming "easy". Doing the same yardage, but with little or no intensity just ploding along. I still feel weakness in my shoulder, but not much pain. I believe that I will recover enough in the remaining four weeks to make it across Gibraltar. As long as I don't let my crazy thoughts make me swim a six hour training swim, something I had always planned on doing, I should be ok. I heard from three people who attempted the straits last weekend. One made it in 4:27, and he called it "very challenging", one made it in 5:59 and sounded like she had a blast, and the other didn't make it. She was pulled about 1.5 miles from Morocco. They all had high surf and high winds. I have always known that I would never be fast, ever, but I have also thought of myself as strong, so I could make the rougher swims. Now I just pray that my shoulder holds up for one more rough swim. The journey through this is the experience. Success or failure are both possible outcomes, and they both have value. As Roosevelt said, there is glory in being the "man in the area...who , at best, knows the triumph of high achievment...and at worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly..." The mistakes in training, the failure to listen to my body, the worry that I haven't done enough, and the insecurity of do I have it in me to tough it out. It is all a part of the experience. Marathong swimming is about heart. It is about determination, and maybe even about strength of charachter. And then it's about water, weather, wind, currents, tides, sea creatures, ships, all sorts of things can conspire to end a swim. Or maybe it's just about who is willing to suffer the longest. I don't know yet how long I can suffer for before I give in. I have never given in yet. I don't think I will this time. My biggest fear isn't sharks, or fatigue, but not judging the tides correctly and being pulled just off the finish because the tide turns and there is no way I can break throught. So I have to trust my pilots a bit and know that they want me to succeed almost as much as I do. The other thing about this crazy swim, is that no matter what happens it will be only 6 or 7 hours of my trip. That leaves 11-12 days of adventure, relaxation, swimming, hiking, exploring, and traveling to enjoy. So pray for me that the weather gods are favorable early in my window and that will leave me with a long week of unexpected adventures.
I leave for Malaga Spain on July 10th, my window of opportunity is from July 12th - 18th, and I fly home on the 19th. Think good thoughts, and safe passage.
I can't wait.

SUNDAY June 6th

I joined several South End women and swam the .75 mile and the 1.5 mile PMS swims at Lake Del Valle this morning. The weather was beautiful, the water was warm and we all had a good time. The .75 mile swim was first, and I was nervous since I haven't put my shoulder to any sort of test in a few weeks. I was fine. Not pain free, and a bit stiff, but fine. The 1.5 mile swim a half an a hour later was even better. I relaxed into a gentle sort of rhythm. I don't think I did any damage, and I really feel like I need to be swimming more.
I just read an email on the Channel Chat line about two people, Matthias (Germany) and Brigit (Australia?) who attempted Gibraltar today. Matthias made it in 4 hours 20, and thought the swim "very challenging". Brigit had to be pulled about 1.5 miles from the Moroccan coast. High winds and rough waves made going further too dangerous. What's "too dangerous" about waves and wind? Don't you just push on? This is exciting news; I love to hear from other people doing my swim, but it is also scary. Matthias thought it was "very challenging" for his ability... Well I can only imagine that our abilities are probably quite similar, or he's even stronger than me - he's certainly faster. So where does that leave me? Not in top shape, and a bit lame, will I make it?
And Brigit is a Swimtrek guide. She must have tons of experience and training, and she didn't make it. Lots for me to obsess about :-)
I am looking forward to school ending. I plan to swim a few days this week, light and easy, then Saturday is Lake Berryessa (I have attended every year for the past 22 years so I can't miss it) and then Sunday is the Dipsea Race. I am only volunteering, but it will be fun.
Then Monday, once school is out, I will go swim in the bay as many days as I can before I leave.
I will play it by ear, but I would like to do a few longer swims, maybe 4 hours or more and see how I hold up. But I won't push it. I won't make things worse. I will have faith that I have trained a lot and it will be enough. I hope so.

28 Days and counting

The Internet can be a great thing, but it can also scare the begeezus out of you.
I was surfing around looking for a new picture of the Straits to inspire me, and I stumbled upon some English guy's blog about his crossing last year. They were escorted across by "...Pilot whales - like big dolphins - 5 of them including a mother and baby. They were obviously checking us out because they looped around and came back for a second time even closer so that I felt, had I dared, that I could have reached out and touched the nearest one."(see picture at right).
Well freak me out yet again, but isn't it cool?
So I am once again on the road to Gibraltar. Not that I ever really got off, but I have had some set backs. My shoulder has a tear in the supraspinatus muscle, but the cortisone injection has calmed down the swelling and the pain. I am swimming 3K a day, not hard, or fast, but swimming none the less. So my spirits are back up and my fear is receding. I may not have the crossing I hoped for, but a crossing I will have. I was speaking to a friend who knows more than I do about probably everything, and she said that I "over trained with the limitations of the mechanics and for the distance of the swim." I like this idea. My mechanics or technique is off, and I was training for something longer than Gibraltar will probably be and I over did it. The thing about training is that you have no basis of knowledge except for experience. People can advise you, and offer plans, but everybody is different and every swim is different. So I am learning about what I can and can't do, and what I need to accomplish my swim (I hope). I wish I had learned all of this in my training build up for Tahoe, but I didn't pay enough attention to details. I just went out there and swam a lot. I hurt myself before that swim too. You would have thought I might have learned. But I listened to so much advice that I stopped listening to my own body. After my long Pt. Bonita Swim, I should have rested. Instead I got charged up and swam more. I might learn this time.
I am doing band work, and core work in addition to swimming. And I have high hopes that I will get through. I am excited again, and can't wait to leave.
It's only 28 days now!

WEEK 7 Tendonitis

I have been battling shoulder pain now for over four weeks, and I am not winning. I have been to the Chiropractor, Physical Therapy, and today the doctor. The pain is getting worse. My fears are growing.
I have continued to swim, but just the minimum about 18 - 21k week. Drills mostly and some swimming with fins. Anything to take pressure off my shoulders but keep me working on technique.
I was READY for Gibraltar a month ago. Heck I did the distance in very rough conditions a month ago. And now I am not ready. I am scared, and feeling out of shape, and in pain.
My friends say that I have enough "in the bank". Mentally, I did Tahoe (10 miles last summer) and Physically, I have miles and miles under my belt. But I wanted, and still want to swim two more challenging swims. I would feel more comfortable if I complete a six hour swim before I go. But that may not be possible. It may come down to either a six hour training swim or Gibraltar itself. Crazy, just a month ago, I had it all dialed in.
Something else nagging at the back of my brain is the thought that I have never hit my personal wall yet in swimming. To date I have been able to do every swim I set out to swim. I read about people who attempt the English Channel and fail, and rise up to try again the next year. After the training I have put in for Gibraltar, the expense, the mental and time expenses; to fail? I don't know what I will do. I wonder if I have that type of fortitude I applaud so in others. I don't think of myself as a quitter, because I wouldn't quit during the swim, but there are other forces at work here beyond the swimmers control, and you could not "want to quit" and yet still not make it. There is a point across Gibraltar that you need to reach by a specific time in the tide or you miss landfall on the far side, and the boat pulls you whether you want to quit or not. This is keeping me up nights. It's not like I can just say, "Okay, let's try again tomorrow". This is a $1,900 experience and I want to succeed. I am plagued by thoughts that I haven't trained enough, or smart, or properly. that I haven't done all that I could have done, because somehow I got it wrong.
Twenty-five weeks ago when I began this endeavor, I was so proud of the schedule I concocted. And now I am ashamed that I have not been able to adhere to it, especially now that I am injured. People reminded me that it was a "plan" not a rule and that some weeks would deviate, but I am sick with worry that I have not done "enough". Of course this is compounded by the fact that no one knows what the hell "enough" is, and it's different for every person. I guess this is the part about Marathon swimming that you can only figure out for yourself. Channel Swimming, it is said, "Is 80% mental and 20% physical." What that doesn't tell you is that it's also about 75% faith. Faith in yourself. Faith that you have done your best, even if you didn't do everything you set out to do. Faith that with what you have done, you will have what you need to get across. And faith that if you don't get across, you'll be ok too. That there is something to be learned from failure as well as success. It's not that I want to fail, but I need to acknowledge that there is no shame in failure. And that if it happens, I will be ok. Disappointed, sure, mad, furious, but I will still be able to count myself as one of the few "who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood...who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." (Theodore Roosevelt 1910)

WEEK 8 continues...

It's Thursday. This morning's pool workout was fantastic! When I got up this morning I figured that I could only swim drills and would have to swim by myself, nursing my shoulder along. But Coach Kat's workout was different from usual. It was drill focused, and technique inspiring. We worked hard on rotation and core swimming, snapping our hips. She had us doing the rotation movement vertical, which made it much easier to feel and then translate it to horizontal. It was inspired. Just as in my emergency physical therapy appointment, John helped me feel the proper movement for my shoulders through the pull. I am so inspired when I luck into a good teacher/coach. I don't know how many yards we swam this morning, but I was exhausted. And yet my shoulder felt fine! It's complaining now, but that's to be expected. I found myself feeling where my shoulders were through the stroke. I think I have spent my life with my shoulders tense and raised...it's time to relax them, lower them, and hold them back. I think my scapula needs to move more through every stroke. I think I tensed it up and hold it locked for the remainder of my swim. I should watch dolphins swim rather than people. They swim with their whole bodies, I swim with my arms. 49 and still learning, good on me!

WEEK 8 continues...

Life is interesting for me. I have been rejuvenated in my spirit and my swimming. But I still have a cold and my shoulder is now officially an injury. Whereas last week I was swimming, training, sick, and feeling overwhelmed. This week I am feeling calm and yet scared. Until recently I was completely confident that I could "do the distance" and just needed to hang on until my event. Now I am concerned that I may not be strong enough to muscle through the pain and swim for over six hours. And yet I have had an epiphany of sorts too. Because one of the most amazing things I have seen on the channel chat line is that there are numerous people who have "attempted" the English Channel and not succeeded, and yet they find the courage and the strength to try again! Knowing how long and arduous the trainig is, knowing how cold the channel is, knowing how long and painful the event can be, and they find the will to get up early, swim for hours for months on end, and try again. These people amaze me. And I am in awe of their strength and their mental fortitude. I don't want to find out that I don't have that characteristic, and if it takes something big, like a spectacular failure to see what I am made of, then there will be benefit in that. I am so used to working on something, trying it, and suceeding in it, that I hae never had this sort of test. Not that I am going looking for it, but I could stand to see how I handle failure. When I swam across Lake Tahoe last summer, I was nursing a shoulder injury (opposite side to now) and I used fins from time to time to keep up with my co-swimmer Joe Butler. It was my first experience with a marathon swim and feeding, and pilots etc...and I was very concious of not wanting to "be any bother" to the group. But I also, truth be told, got VERY cranky during the last mile of the six hour swim. I am embarrassed at how I lost my good humor and snapped at my kayaker towards the end. So I need to learn how t be more like my heros who can find it in themselves to fall down spectacularly and get back up and try again. I read some one's blog where they have made 6 attempts and still hasn't made it, and is still trying. That's some kind of crazy, but also some kind of strength.
I learned so far that I started my training schedule too early, and burned too hot to sustain, and een got injured. So that's valuable. My friend Suzie just told me of a coach who divided his team evenly down the middle. Had half of the kids swim a normal training regeme for a season, and the other half focused on drills and swam less distance over all. The kids who focused on drills had more improvment throug out the season and performed better over all at the final meet. Many people have told me that there is sucha thing as garbage training. And my personality is to do way more than I need to do because I feel better if I over achieve. I want to be able to say that I did an eight hour swim for a six hour eent just to be cool, or to be over the top. But it would be smarter to do a six hour swim, and not hurt my shoulder any more than necessary. So I am learning as I go along. I am also learning that even though I work out six days a week, I am intrinsically lazy. I want to do core exercises, need to do shoulder exersises, might have even skipped all of this pain if I had, and yet what do I do? I swim. I swim six days a week for too long. I would do better with variety, and strengthening work. But I don't do it. To me this shows a lack of character. So yes, I am out there doing stuff, but I want to have more personal discipline. I want to feel proud of my effort, not my result.

As Teddy Roosevelt said: "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910